The Depp Family Reunion
by MadamStella
Summary: What if MadamStella and TheFourthWheel got really drunk one afternoon, and decided to write a story with all of the Johnny Depp characters they could think of? IT'S A DEPP FAMILY REUNION! AGENT SANDS! ROUX! EDWARD SCISSORHANDS! JACK!


HI GUYS!! From the twisted, warped minds that brought you stories like "The Captain's Wife" and "Pirates of Madness" comes a brand NEW story. And guess what. We collaborated. So it's TWICE THE WEIRDNESS! TWICE THE FUNKINESS! TWICE THE JACK LOVIN'!! Enjoy, buttercups!!  
  
-Stella and Kristina  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow eyed the different brands of marinating sauce suspiciously.  
"Why don't they come in rum flavored?" he asked sadly.  
A woman with a cart full of cat food strolled by him, looking at his hair.  
"Aye, keep starin' wench and I'll -"  
"I'm sorry, sir, do we have a problem?" asked a squeaky-voiced bagboy, setting his hand on Jack's shoulder. Jack narrowed his studly brown eyes.  
"Nay, and ye can keep yer little grubby meat hooks offa me."  
Jack was quickly escorted out of the shop.  
"FINE! KEEP YOUR BLOODY MARINADES! I DON'T NEED YOU!!" Jack shouted out to the grocery store. Not realizing that they were well out of earshot.  
  
"Jack? Jack Sparrow?" A studly oh so smooth Irish like voice called behind him.  
"That'll be Captain Jack Sparrow to you mate." Jack turned around to see a handsome man in stripes.  
"Roux? Is that you?" Jack asked to the amazingly good-looking look-a- like of him.  
"Yes it's me, how are you?" Roux asked.  
"Still as witty and hunkadelic as ever, mate. I haven't seen you since we ran into each other on the high seas!" cried Jack, embracing his... um... well, let's make him Jack's cousin just for kicks.  
"I was on my way to France to restock on chocolate -"  
"And I was on me way to the Caribbean to get me some rum! And women!"  
"How cheerful."  
"Isn't it?"  
The two cousins found a coffee shop and sat down to talk of old times.  
"Ye know, it's been ever so long since we've gotten the whole family together for reminiscin', Roux," commented Jack.  
"Long overdue," added the studly Irishman.  
Their server, an annoying pudgy brunette, waddled over.  
"Sooooooo what can I getcha?" she asked, staring down absentmindedly at her fingers.  
"RUM!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Jack.  
Their server wrote it down. She looked down to Roux. Roux, who had been busy reading the menu, looked up at her.  
CUE THE SOAP OPERA MUSIC!!  
Cue!  
"Before I order, I have great news."  
"You're going to take me away from this crappy town to France where we can dance under the stars and eat chocolate?" asked the waitress.  
"No, I just saved a ton of money on my boat insurance by switching to Geiko." Roux said smiling that oh so handsome smile of his.  
The pudgy waitress began to sob silently and scuffled away.  
Roux stood up and shouted to her, "I saved; I thought that meant something to you."  
Turn off soap opera music.  
"YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET MY ORDER!" Roux shouted. At his call that pudgy little lady returned.  
"Can I get you something?" she asked, "Food? Drink? Marriage?"  
"Stella, is it?" Roux asked reading her name tag.  
"Yes." She answered smiling and flashing off her pearly whites.  
"What a beautiful name, I'll have a hot chocolate."  
"Sure I can't interest you in a big helpin' of ME?!?"  
"No, hot chocolate's fine..."  
"Awwwwwhhhh..."  
"- for right now, that is."  
Stella giggled insanely.  
"Coming right up." Stella walked away.  
"Can we please turn the story back to me?" asked Jack.  
"I think the authors have made it clear that's about all that'll get reviews."  
"I can't help me devilish attractive physique! My sculpted body... chiseled features... hair that can't be tamed..."  
"Okey dokey, then."  
"Now I've been thinkin'. It would be nice to have the whole family come together for a good ol' barbecue. I hear cousin Edward makes on heck of a shish kabob," Jack said.  
"That is an excellent idea. We should start planning right away."  
"Roux, one thing."  
"Yes, Jack?"  
"How bout this time, you get the groceries."  
Roux looked around the bar uncomfortably.  
"Well, I would in a heartbeat, but... um... see, people in cities don't usually take to me. Call me 'river rat' and such. Then they burn down my ship and people get all crispy and... Yeah. So maybe -"  
"They won't lemme back in the bloody store, mate! Restrainin' order and such..."  
Roux heaved a sigh.  
"Fine. I'll get the food. But I get first crack at the buffet, bucko."  
"Aye. We 'ave an accord!" cried Jack giddily.  
Stella, that pesky chick, returned with a LARGE jug of hot cocoa with industrial sized amounts of whip cream. She giggled perversely.  
"Here you go," she whimpered softly, setting the drink before that studly hunk o' man meat Roux.  
"Thanks. What do I owe you?" asked Roux, taking out his wallet.  
"On the house."  
"No, really, what do you need?" he said absentmindedly, rifling through his wallet.  
Stella made an odd little gaspy noise that sounded like "YOU".  
"Pardon?" inquired Roux, looking up at her.  
"Um... I think I'll just watch you eat it. That should be enough."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
REVIEW!! They make us happy. ;) 


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